2011 was a year full of growth for me. A lot of painful stretching, but good growth nonetheless. I decided that I was going to break away from the fear that's been holding me back.The thought of living life was exhilarating, terrifying, and overwhelming...all of these emotions flooding at me. But the biggest emotion? Relief.
I realized that underlying many of my fears was the fear of failure. I'm a perfectionist. Growing up, failure to my parents, and subsequently to me, wasn't an option. This perspective also had me worry extensively that OTHER people were judging me, whether I failed or succeeded. Now, that's not to say that there weren't those wishing I fail miserably or laughing without mirth at my failures, but overall I don't think that's generally what was going on....just in my head.
So, with the new year I decided I'm not making New Year's resolutions...instead, I'm making daily resolutions. That relieves some of the pressure to be perfect and get it all done by the end of the year. It also lessens the let-down or disappointment in myself if I don't achieve all that I wanted to achieve.
I know that every day begins with baby steps. However, each day brings with it pride that I'm moving forward.
More to come....live fearlessly, regardless of what age you are!
"There is a time to take counsel of your fears, and there is a time to never listen to any fear." ~George S. Patton
I’m not a therapist; I am an
Information Specialist – a researcher. I know a bit about most everything or I
know where to find some answers or credible information. But, I do have fears,
like everyone else. Perhaps that makes me qualified to talk about fear.
First, I had to recognize and admit
that some of my fears originated during my childhood or from negative
experiences as an adult. Like an embedded image in a word document, they are
difficult to budge.
According to Psychology Today, “Fear is a
vital response to physical and emotional danger—if we couldn't feel it, we
couldn't protect ourselves from legitimate threats. But often we fear
situations that are in no way life-or-death, and thus hang back for no good
reason. Traumas
or bad experiences can trigger a fear response within us that is hard to quell.
Yet exposing ourselves to our personal demons is the best way to move past them.”
My first recollection was fear of the dark as a child. Clothes
dancing in the moonlight on the clothesline obviously were ghosts. I also saw a
mummy like creature walking through the junipers while I was playing beneath a
neighbor’s veranda. I was six or seven. (As a teen, my brother admitted that he
too had seen this “mummy.”) My sister was also terrified of the dark. For her
sake, I managed to fake some courage, enough to seem brave to her. I don’t drive
much at night now but I’m no longer afraid of the dark. I do have a recurring
nightmare since childhood; I’m locked in a dark movie theater and cannot find
the exit. That’s why Richard Kosoff invented the nightlight.
When my three children were young, I drove them all over Florida to attend church
functions and participate in sports. I was terrified to drive the long
distances in an old car. I also feared getting lost or not finding my way back
home. I made the trips because I had a reason bigger than my fear, my children’s
need for social activities. Today, I believe I can find my way just about
anywhere and perceive even short jaunts as an adventure.
I also feared speaking in public. Encouraged by church peers, I did sing in a
quartet. But, I often “lost my cookies” before going on stage and I trembled.
The steps to proficiency were small ones. I now enjoy presenting workshops. I realized
I have something to share beneficial to my audience. Again, I found something
bigger than my fear and the steps were small.
Although I now enjoy public speaking, I still find crowds
intimidating. A party can leave me speechless until I find someone standing
alone. Then I reach out to make that person comfortable which in turn, engages
me. I’ve learned to find strategies to move me out of the shadows. I also
discovered that if I’m busy, participating, I’m less self-conscious. Church
work- parties, fund raisers, led me to this conclusion.
Each journey of conquering some of my fears began with little steps. I suspect
now that this is a journey, not a destination. I am still uncomfortable, even
terrified, of personal relationships. Working with men and educating men has
helped me feel comfortable with them on a non-social level. But, after two
misfire marriages, I’ve become gun shy. I also fear becoming a “bag lady,” a
common fear in women.
According to Financial Education on Women and Money, “An amazing 50% of all
women have a tremendous fear of becoming a “bag lady”. And what is even more
shocking is that 48% of those women earn over $100,000 per year.
Additionally, 90% of women say they feel financially insecure, according
to a survey of almost 1,925 women conducted by Allianz, a Minnesota-based life
insurance company.
To address both of these fears - intimacy and becoming a bag
lady, I believe I need the insight of a more objective perspective, a
counselor. I need help to untangle the string of distorted perceptions wrapped
in a tight ball inside my psyche. And from a short bout of counseling a few
years ago, the process then added a boost to my confidence. Heather Sell has a
counselor to recommend to me, one of the many perks of ShoutOUT®.
But in the meantime, I’ll take some small steps to overcome these
two roadblocks. I’ll join a writing club or fine arts club to move into a more
social arena with men. To ease my financial insecurity, I’m working on the
eliminating debt and keeping a close copy of the 72 Zen Habits to Simplify Your Life to ensure that I am at least
one step ahead of my fears.
As 2012 lounges lazily on the horizon, my sincerest wish is
that the New Year infuses you with the strength to overcome some of the fears
that have been paralyzing you. Whether
those fears include public speaking, intimacy or relationship fears, or even a
fear of trying something new, moving past fear can be both invigorating and empowering,
not to mention fun. Here’s wishing you a year of fearless adventures and
boundless fun!
I realized that underlying many of my fears was the fear of failure. I'm a perfectionist. Growing up, failure to my parents, and subsequently to me, wasn't an option. This perspective also had me worry extensively that OTHER people were judging me, whether I failed or succeeded. Now, that's not to say that there weren't those wishing I fail miserably or laughing without mirth at my failures, but overall I don't think that's generally what was going on....just in my head.
